I have received messages throughout the end of 2022 stressing the importance of sharing my voice, my story, my experiences, and my knowledge.
I fought this for a while because who the hell cares about MY story? At least, that is what I kept telling myself. I also made the excuse that my stories were so ingrained in me that I would not even know where to start when it came to sharing. What do people want to know? Why? Where and how the fuck am I supposed to share these things? I’ll be damned if I do live or try and go off the cuff. I mean, I can talk about a lot of things spontaneously, but when it comes to me, for now, no thanks. Social media is no place for this kind of shit. I tried this blog before but as soon as it became a chore – I was out. Podcast? Well, that’s coming – but it’s not what you think. That’s right up there with a random live. For now, this is it. Will this be permanent and consistent?
Who knows. What really is, anyway?
I am a healer. I am a generator. I am a Leo. I am en enneagram 9-1. An INFJ. An Empath. Long walks on the beach, count me in. But more importantly, I am a survivor. I have survived abuse in all ways, having everything taken from me, and many other things I feel I will be sharing throughout my posts when the timing is right.
My goal is to write about what inspires me at the moment. As a generator, I have to make the decision to act based on how I feel in the moment and what feels right for me. I may share my journal with you.
Won’t that be fun?
So I guess this post is supposed to be an introductory one. I really feel resistance to opening up and sharing things about myself. I lived for so long with the notion that I was to hide behind the scenes and let others have the spotlight. If I was seen, I felt the shame and guilt that had been ingrained in me by the many influences of my life. If I asked for or got attention, I was selfish and self-centered – which could not be further from the truth (to a fault) but kudos to those that feel the need to project onto others. Not. I discounted my own thoughts, talents, and even my simple presence. I felt small. Ever since I was, well, small.
So here goes. I am Tiffany. And now I am stuck with what else to say.
Why? Well, a few things come to mind. I have always been a mom or career woman or someone else’s rock. I never really had or give myself a chance to know who I was. I always spent tons of time understanding WHY I was HOW I was and credited the majority of it to core programming and conditioning. But I always get stuck on the now-what. Who am I when I am not in corporate America being told what to do, how to dress, and act? Or when my son grew into an independent and responsible man. Who IS Tiffany? Let’s start with who I was, and the why’s because that’s the easy part and sometimes you need to start where you are most familiar and grow from there. Gracefully.
I am the mother of the best 21-year-old man a girl could ask for. I raised him on my own and did the best job I could with what I had. I will say that I dragged a lot of dead weight, in the form of damaged male humans, into our lives. But I have always felt that I could change the world. I still do. Did I always approach things in our lives the right way? At the time, it felt like it and as I look back, that is really all that matters. I did not need anyone but myself. I was convinced that I had to do it all on my own. Asking for help or receiving help was a sign of weakness. My mother was a victim narcissist and I watched her drain the people in her life for all they were worth before moving on to the next batch of suckers that bent over backward for someone that refused to help themselves. That was never going to be me as far as I could say. And in true Leo fashion, I took it to the max. More on all that later, I am sure.
Onto the career woman part of me. I had my son young. So what did that mean? Well, in addition to a lack of finances, I had a baby to care for which meant formal education was out of the question so, I would have to bank on life experiences and my desire to provide the best life for my son that my, then 19-year-old self knew how. Climb the ladder, take the hits, fight for myself and spend every day convincing people I was worth something.
In the current moment of my life, I will say that after working my ass off for ungrateful pricks in corporate America, I was blessed with being laid off for the last time in 2017. At that time, I decided that I was done being chewed up and spit out by assholes that cared more about their bottom line than those they employed to grow and protect it. I was worth more than that. That was the time I decided I was going to work for myself. I hated the idea that I was making the same as or less than others in my position.
At one point, my raise was capped because I would have exceeded the income of my boss who had been in the company for years with mini-raises throughout his tenure, and rather than adjusting the payscale – I was deprived of my monetary worth in the company. Fuck that. I work hard as fuck, I learn, try, adapt, and am innovative as fuck. No one was going to put a cap on my earning potential. And know what – I will share more on that later too.
Fast forward to the part in my life when I realized I was meant for more. Man, I could go on and on with examples of how this slapped me in the face. I also could balance those stories with an equal amount of reasons that I thought I knew better and was committed to taking control of damn near everything in my life – which I now know was just a trauma response. So be it. No one is perfect.
Going back to not wanting to be seen, show vulnerability or receive anything from anyone, I surely was not going to make myself the center of attention, in any way. There was a point in my life I thought I was put here to get shit on so that I could help others get through the shit they were faced with. You name it, I had a relatable story – which always ended in success, but I could literally pull anyone out of anything at any time because of the things I went through.
There was a time when I did feel victimized by life. Why did I have to endure all the shit just so others could thrive? Sure. I know it meant I was tough as shit but I did not need any more examples – the message was loud and clear. I was tired. I was tired of getting back up. Tired of picking up the pieces, Tired of supporting everything else around me to the point of complete depletion, having nothing left for myself. And tired of hearing “You are strong, you have been through this before (or; worse), you will get through this”, just as the metaphoric door slammed in my face. I constantly found myself in an empty space to handle some crazy, life-shattering shit on my own without any help. When would it be my turn? Oh, thats right, I deprived myself of those opportunities because I was fierce as fuck and didn’t need anyone, remember? (Insert eye roll here)
So where am I now? I am still not 100% sure of that answer but I am okay with that, for once. Not having the answers. I say that – but I know I am lying. I still have work to do. Who doesn’t? There are parts of me that can’t let go of needing to know and feel that I have control of the outcome. Do I? To a point, sure. But my level of attention and energy that I put into releasing control and expectations is something I work on every day. I highly recommend it.
Remember how I said I knew I was meant for more? Well, here’s a bit more on current life Tiffany.
carry around with them. Well, I see that too. So I guess I should say that I can see past it. I see it but I can still get through to the root of a human’s soul. This has gotten me in a lot of trouble before. I have put up with WAY more shit from people than I should have just because I was excusing the pain and remained determined to pull the best out of them. Did I know what I was doing? No. Did I realize this was my gift? No. Do I now? Yes.
I had to go through, and still experience not-so-awesome things so that I can absorb the pain and memories that are carried by others and transmute the negative energy back into the collective as healing. By standing in my power, I radiate undying energy that is also shared with the collective and can be used for growth and forward movement.
Why am I sharing all of this? Well, as I said at the beginning, I have been told on numerous occasions in multiple ways that I am to share my story, my voice, and my experiences so that they can continue to heal the collective. To show the world what is truly possible. To help others see what I see when I look at them – through the shit. The shit itself that needs to be shed. My passion? My mission? My purpose?
To give people permission to be who the fuck they are and who they are meant to be. To see who they truly are at the core. To reach their potential and pursue their dreams without all the conditioning and core programming. To empower those around me to go on to live the most beautiful, authentic, and fulfilling life experience that is possible for them. No fear, no doubt, no guilt, no second guessing. Just pure, trust, ease, and flow. What does that look like? Well, right now, I live it every day. I am a coach and I help entrepreneurs put themselves back in their businesses. I leverage modalities like Human Design to enhance my gifts and encourage clients to have a business and life that is designed specifically for who THEY are. No “proven methods”. No cookie cutters. No strict, mapped-out process. I want to close out this post with something I shared on Facebook today. In the spirit of it being a new year, I hope this inspires and motivates you too.
Resolutions are lame. There are 365 days to set intentions. Why wait? However, one thing I AM a fan of is choosing a word for the year.
Because for all the 365 days, you have a general theme to set your actions, habits, words, thoughts and behaviors around.
My word for 2023 is PERMISSION. Which probably comes as no surprise to those who know me.
Permission to FEEL how I want. Permission to DO what I want. Permission to BE how I want. Permission to GET what I want. Permission to EXPECT what I deserve. Permission to FULLY love myself. Permission to set BOUNDARIES. Permission to share my VOICE. Permission to say NO. Permission to TRUST myself. Permission to follow my HEART. Permission to WALK AWAY. Permission to HONOR myself. Permission to put myself FIRST. Permission to PROTECT my energy. Permission to LISTEN to my gut. Permission to CHALLENGE the norm. Permission to ASSERT myself. Permission to FAIL. Permission to LEARN. Permission to GROW. Permission to CHANGE. Permission to SHOW UP. Permission to RECEIVE.
If it does not bring me joy, peace and flow…. I’m out.
Hopefully if you have made it this far in the post, you ave gotten something out of it, even if it’s just about getting to know me and the fact that I have thing to say that you will surely relate to and realize you are not alone or some freakshow that the world shits on for fun. I am looking forward to continuing to share what comes to me and I can’t want to get to know you more too. I leave you with this, What do you need to give yourself permission to do this year? Share in comments because as a Generator, I crave things to respond to me that light me up!
One-on-One Coaching: Embrace Your True Self with Tiffany
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