As I was cleaning my kitchen this morning, listening to music as I'm sure most of you do, I decided to put on a playlist I going on YouTube titled "Girl Power". I like to spend the moments in my day that don't require too much brain power, to fill it with things that lift me up. Affirmations, songs, audiobooks podcasts…you get the idea. So as I'm shaking my booty to some uplifting jams as I scrub out my coffee pot, "Bills, Bills, bills" by Destiny's Child comes on.
For those of you, unfamiliar, there are lyrics in the song such as:
"You triflin', good-for-nothing type of brother
Silly me, why haven't I found another?
A baller, when times get hard
I need someone to help me out
Instead of a scrub like you, who don't know what a man's about"
"Can you pay my bills?
Can you pay my telephone bills?
Do you pay my automo' bills?
If you did then maybe we could chill
I don't think you do
So, you and me are through"
Bills, Bills, Bills...... You get the point
Sure there are parts where they talk about going into debt, and this fool draining her financially, but that's not my point. Yet.
When it comes to love and a romantic or life partner, if you have some type of expectation that they are in your presence to wine, dine and pay your bills, like apparently this man is supposed to do, you're missing the point.
A (healthy) partnership is where 2, stable, independent individuals choose to share space with each other. Sure there are times where they compliment each other by means of filling voids, lifting each other up, and supporting each other emotionally and mentally when shit hits the fan. And hey, every dynamic is different and there may even be times when one partner has a heavier, or full responsibility when it comes to finances. Healthy.
But the mindset of, 'if you can't or won't pay my bills, go fuck yourself,' is absolutely absurd and the fact that this is a message that is being conveyed and broadcasted is even worse. No one on this planet is responsible for your well-being, your heart, or your finances. The message it sends to women is the exact opposite one that we are claiming we are trying to reverse. Do not depend on a man but depend on yourself. Be independent and own your shit. What is it? The 1950’s? Not the last time I checked (please let me know if I missed something.) But are we in a world where we expect the man to be a living, breathing paycheck or is it 2023 where we, as women are strong, driven, talented, and have enough faith in ourselves to trust that we got this?
Can’t have it both ways, people.
If a man can’t or won’t pay your bills, cause you are a needy, selfish, and greedy asshole, should you go find another? Silly you, right? I think not. Rather than spending time scouring dating apps and wasting time ad, yes, money going to clubs looking for a sugar daddy to support your nonsensical spending habits, spend that time bettering yourself.
Men these days like strong and independent women. Yeah, sure, some are still intimidated by them but at the end of the day, a man wants to be a man. He wants to provide and protect. But he is also human. The second it feels like an obligation put on him from the outside, an ultimatum, unappreciated or expected, the whole vibe changes.
How would you like it?
Are we really in a world where if a man paid our bills only then are they worthy of our attention, energy, and time? Have we forgotten what a real relationship is like or the value that a partner can bring to our lives, you know, like bringing the groceries in or opening a pickle jar? (just kidding). But the security, safety, companionship, and duality found in something real is far more fulfilling than your car note being paid.
Think about it.
Do you put that pressure on yourself? Better yet, do you like when that pressure is put on you? I think not.
So sure, I wish nothing more for you than to find that “baller to help you when times get hard”. But even if he does not, it does not mean he does not know what a man is about. It means you have totally lost your own dignity and have no appreciation for what you have. It means that he is the one that should “go find another”, not you.
Onto the part where they sing about some dude treating them the exact way they are expecting to be able to treat their man… in the event you find yourself in the shit storm that someone is taking advantage of you and your generosity, perhaps it’s time to rethink your situation, have a conversation or peace out. That’s for you to decide.
But as I say that, even I realize the hypocrisy in this. Do you want a man to pay your bills or else he is a scrub in your eyes? But if he uses your money, he’s also a scrub?
Sounds like a lose-lose mentality if you ask me. Again, can’t have it both ways.
Now, to the handful of men that are reading this, I salute you. I feel for you. Living in a world that tells you that your financial status and pure ability to materially provide for a succubus rather than having a healthy, nurturing, and balanced relationship is sad. No wonder the good girls miss out.
The level of ick that I felt when I heard this song and really listened is immeasurable.
Ladies, find yourself a man that compliments you in ways that level you up. Seek happiness, worth, and deservingness within yourself. Not everything is about money. Do we need it to survive? Duh. Is it the precious of our existence and meant to be the foundation of a strong and long-term relationship?
I mean, if this is a mentality you share, no wonder the otherwise decent guys are out there saying “fuck bitches, get money”. They don’t want to be responsible for you and they are conditioned to go out there and get it so they can actually feel something on the inside. To feel like a man. Some are even so hard-wired for this that they do not even have time to deal with you. At the end of the day, everyone misses out.
So to all the ladies out there walking around damaging men and creating a world where our worth is based on how much money comes in on the daily.....
Thanks for nothing.
To all the men out there trying to prove themselves to themselves, society or that wasted hot mess in the corner booth at the club, you are enough. Find yourself a woman who appreciates you and encourages you. Someone that needs you in healthy ways, ways that make you feel good. Do things out of the goodness and kindness of your heart and forget about the shotty messages, past experiences, and pressure you put on yourself not to be labeled as a scrub.
Girl Power? Girl, please.
Let me know your thoughts here! Ladies Gents? Can you pay my bills?
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